i break down crying in public for the third time this month and that’s saying a lot because i don’t go out in public very much these days.

this time we are shopping in target and you say you don’t know if you want a christmas tree, but this is evidently too heartbreaking an idea for me to handle because to me a christmas tree means a happy family and a happy christmas and all these things i don’t remember having. i am unable to tell you this though, because i am too busy crying in the cracker aisle.

in bed that night, i have the realization that my birthday is nearing and soon i will have wanted to die for half the time i’ve been alive. i ask you what if it is always like this, because i am always operating under the assumption that one day, for some reason, it will be better. you assure me that it will be, but i don’t believe you because half a lifetime seems like long enough.

we move on and talk about our house on lake champlain and our big dog. we will have fireplace and the smell will remind me of my father. i tell you i want a big red kitchen with an island and a double oven.
                    one to bake the casserole and the other to put my head in.